Paul Cibis Presents: Another Goddamn Tumblr

There’s a story circulating on the internet today that says a group on anti-Muslim protesters in Spain were able to stop the construction of a mosque in their town by burying a pig on the proposed site.  Islamic law, so the story goes, forbids the building of a mosque on land soiled by a pig, and so the plans were scrapped.

This story is getting a lot of play on right-wing blogs and I expect to see it email forwards form certain relatives any minute now.  It seems that some people in this country are seriously thinking about this as a legitimate recourse for stopping the construction of the Park51 Muslim cultural center and mosque near Ground Zero in New York City.  Before you right-wing nuts start running out to the butcher shop, let’s stop and really think about this thing for a second.

1) This story SCREAMS “Internet Bullshit”.  There is a major lack of specifics (the name of the town is never given) and searches for this story turn up only right-wing nut blogs circulating the story.  There are no primary sources, not historical reports, no AP story, nothing form the BBC, CNN, Fox News, nothing.  These are usually dead giveaways that something circulating on the internet is a bunch of shit.  It’s very possible that you’re getting duped here.

2) HOWEVER, I will grant you that - like all good Internet Bullshit - this story has a nugget of believability at its core that makes it hard to dismiss outright.  That nugget of truth is that Spain is full of racist assholes.

I can almost believe that this story happened because it’s about a bunch of racist assholes in Spain doing some racist asshole things and I’ve heard (though actual news outlets) about a lot of other racist asshole shit that Spain has done recently.  Remember this?

That’s the Spanish Olympic Basketball team, just prior to the Beijing Olympics, making Asian “slant eye” faces.  Pretty offensive, huh?  Here’s the craziest part: This wasn’t some goof-around photo that the team took as a joke that then got leaked.  This photo was taken for an ad.  A Spanish courier company took this picture ON PURPOSE and used it in a full page ad in the Spanish daily sports paper Marca.  This was a Spanish company, sponsoring Spanish athletes, all of them representatives of their country on a world-wide stage, and this is what they thought was a good idea.  Nobody saw anything wrong with this. (http://sports.yahoo.com/olympics/beijing/basketball/news?slug=ro-spain081308).  Why?  Because Spain is full of racist assholes.  BTW, similar pictures were also taken with the Spanish Women’s Olympic Basketball Team 

And the Spanish Women’s Tennis Federation

The caption under the photo reads “We are prepared for China.”  There have been other sports-related racism incidents in Spain including black soccer players being taunted with “monkey chants” and racing fans attending events in blackface to mock a black driver. (http://www.telegraph.co.uk/sport/othersports/olympics/2540221/Spanish-basketball-red-faced-over-slit-eyed-Olympic-photo.html).  Now, I know that America still has its issues with race, but I’d like to think that even at, say, a NASCAR event (hardly a progressive political environment), if a fan showed up in blackface to mock a black driver, at some point, he he would be told to knock it the fuck off.  

Also, up until about a month ago, this warning re Spain was on the travel advisory section of The U.S. State Department’s website:

“We have received isolated reports that racial prejudice may have contributed to the arrest or detention of some African-Americans travelling in Spain.  Recently, two African-American US government employees were questioned by Police in Barcelona for no apparent reason.  One was detained and suffered physical injuries in the process.”

(http://www.smh.com.au/world/first-lady-walks-in-to-spanish-racism-row-20100805-11kqs.html)

The warning was removed from the website just before Michelle and Sasha Obama arrived in Spain for a vacation.  The State Department claims that the notice was overdue for removal, others say it was removed for diplomatic reasons.  In any case, it was there.  The State Department saw enough legitimacy in the claims to post it.  The racism of Spanish cops was (is?) so bad that the government of the United States felt it necessary to warn its citizens about it.  Think about that for a second.  Think about all of the cities in this country that have notoriously racist police forces; LA, NYC, Chicago, Boston, basically all of them, yet, to my knowledge, there are no travel advisories against any of those cities due to racist cops.  How bad does it have to get before the government makes a note on its website?

3) Even if the mosque/pig story is fake, the actions taken by the fictional Spaniards in the story are the actions of racist assholes. Ergo, if you - as an American reading the mosque/pig story - actually think that it’s a good idea, if you actually think it’s a clever, reasonable strategy for stopping the construction of Park51 in lower Manhattan, YOU are a racist asshole.  Copying the actions of racist assholes makes you a racist asshole.  That’s how this works.  Do not labor under any illusion that you are a patriot or a Christian solider or that you’re somehow protecting America from some kind of menace. You are a racist, xenophobic, cowardly piece of shit asshole and that’s all you are.

I don’t care if you’re opposed to the building of Park51.  I don’t agree with you, but that’s your opinion, and I can see where you’re coming from, but let’s try to have an honest discussion and not be racist assholes about it.  Let’s leave that to the professionals in Spain.  

3D is the big thing right now in Hollywood and studios are scrambling to revive long dead film franchises with two entries just so they can release ANYTHING called “Fill-In-The-Blank 3D”.  Last week saw the release of “Pirana 3D” (“Pirana Part Two: The Spawning” came out in 1981) and upcoming third entries in the “Ghostbusters” and “Men In Black” series will reportedly be in three dimensions as well.

So to save Hollywood a little time digging through the archives for 3D fodder, I’ve complied a list of 3D sequels that should be rushed into production post haste.  All I ask for my troubles is “Story By” credits and some gross points on the back end.  You’re welcome.

THE STING 3D - It’s now the late ’60s and legendary con man Johnny Hooker (Robert Redford reprising his role from the original) is down on his luck, bumming ‘round the country and living off of penny ante small con jobs, when he meets Hank Gondorf, a young con-man using his flim-flam skills to dodge the draft as he makes his way to Canada.  Hank claims to be the grandson of the late, great con-man Henry Gondorf (Paul Newman from the original “Sting”), but the big third act twist is that he’s actually Hooker’s son.  

Anyway, the old con-man takes the young con-man under his wing and they team up to con somebody out of a bunch of money with a complicated scam that probably involves a sport of some kind.  What sport would involve the most stuff being thrown directly at the camera?  This is where the 3D really comes into play.  Also, the crags in Redford’s face will look amazing in 3D.  It will be like starring at an aerial photo of the Dakota Badlands.  Gondorf is played by Shia LeBeouf because if you’ve already ruined starred in two long delayed, ill advised squels - “Indy 4” and “Wall Street 2” - why stop there?

THE COLOR OF MONEY 2: THE HUSTLER 3D - Basically the same as the above “Sting 3D” pitch, but with Tom Cruise returning as a now down-and-out pool hotshot/hustler Vince Lauria teaming up with a young hotshot (Shia LeBeouf again) who claims to be the grandson of  Fast Eddie Felson (Newman), but is actually Vince’s son.  Lots of pool cues being poked at the camera, balls rolling at the camera, etc.  Maybe Cruise can do that twirling the cue around thing.  That would look cool in 3D.  Somebody gets hustled and there’s a big billards tournament and let’s say Anne Hathaway is in it too.

TEEN WOLF 3D - MTV Films is supposedly working on a remake of the original film, but that’s like driving past a gold mine so you can dig at a shit mine.  3D all the way, baby.  Listen to this: Shia LaBeouf is the son of either Michael J. Fox or Jason Bateman (whichever one agrees to do it for less money) and naturally he discovers that he’s a werewolf.  You’d think that his wolf powers would take him from the high school zero to high school hero, but in a major twist to the TWolf-verse, it turns out that LaBeouf’s nemesis, the high school bully and jock superstar, is a Teen Vampire.  BOOM!  We’re basically just printing money here.  If we really want to get crazy, LeBeouf’s Vampire nemesis is actually the son LeBeouf’s dad’s former best friend Stiles.

CADDYSHACK 3D - Millionaire Ty Webb (Chevy Chase) lost his fortune (and thus his membership to the exclusive Bushwood Country Club) when the economy collapsed, but the always clever Webb has managed to rebuild his empire by selling an invention he’d patented years ago.  His idea was originally a suction machine that aided in the snorting of cocaine, but it turns out it can also suck oil out of sea water and the government is paying top dollar for it.  Fortunes restored, Ty must reapply for membership at his beloved Bushwood, but the only member who will sponsor his effort is gauche, blinged-out rapper Stab YA$$ (Bow Wow), the first African-American member at Bushwood after the recent court ordered lifting of the club’s restricted status.  The snooty Bushwood crowd are none-too-pleased about Stab’s presence - and relish Ty’s new outsider status - and hatch various schemes to see that Ty’s membership bid fails. The big twist is that the main snob villain here is Danny Noonan, former Bushwood caddy and Ty Webb’s young protege in hijinx from the original film (Michael O’Keefe reprises, natch) who is now a successful, hijinx-hating lawyer.  Shia LeBeouf plays Noonan’s son who (much to his father’s chagrin) is drawn in by Ty’s freewheeling lifestyle.  Naturally, it all comes down to a big final golf-off where Ty must win his membership and remind Danny of the fun-loving lad he used to be.   

There will be lots of golf balls flying at the camera throughout, a couple of 3D boobs, probably some 3D Viagra/boner jokes, and that gopher will be hilarious in 3D.  The gopher will be cgi now so he can come out of his hole and have kung-fu fights with the greenskeeper. NOTE TO STUDIO: Bill Murray MUST return as greenskeeper Carl Spackler.  Start loading up dump trucks with money right now and just keep backing them up to Murray’s house until he says when.  This is imperative.  I don’t care if he gets paid $97 million for six minutes of screen time.  It’s the only way this stupid movie will work. 

That’s it for now, but I’ve also go ideas on the burner for “The Fly 3D”, “Grease 3D”, and “The Whole Eleven 3D Yards.”  Shia LeBeouf may or may not be involved.  Hollywood, I await your call.

It’s hard to call “The Expendables” a good movie, but it does everything it sets out to do so it’s hard to call it a failure either.  The movie has a list of goals (dumb goals, but goals nonetheless) and it works its way through that list with ridiculous precision and you’re either on board or you’re not; the movie doesn’t really give a shit either way, its got a job to do.  A stupid, loud, violent, Creatine-fueled job.   I was on board from beginning to end.  Here are a few stray thoughts:  

Nobody does monologues like Mickey Rourke.  If you’re making a shitty movie and you’re lucky enough that Mickey Rourke is desperate enough to need your money, do yourself a favor and write that man a monologue.  Doesn’t matter what it’s about, doesn’t matter if it’s any good, just bang out a paragraph about anything - frogs, Disneyland, the office supplies on your desk - and Mickey Rourke will run it through his mumbly, misty-eyed method machine and your nonsense will come out sounding like essential truth.  It’s a great way to ensure that forty-five seconds to a minute of your movie will seem slightly less shitty than the rest.  See also: Rourke’s monologue about drowning puppies in the literally execrable ”Spun” and his monologue about his toe in the utterly wretched ”Domino”.

Stallone is often referred to as a “conservative” in Hollywood circles so I was kind of shocked by the scene where the bad guys graphically waterboard a woman (an act later referred to as torture).  Way to take a side, Sly.  Later, it is totally rad when Stallone stabs those guys like a million times and cuts off their hands.    

Terry Crews’s character isn’t explored too deeply so there is plenty of room for the interpretation that he is, in fact, an ancestor of President Dwayne Elizondo Mountain Dew Herbert Camacho.  This is the interpretation I choose to embrace.

I like that Steve Austin Faces off against Randy Couture, but I was hoping that Jet Li would get in the mix too.  I really wanted to see a fight between a fake fighter, a real fighter, and a real fake fighter.